What do I now?

After I get back from the backpacking trip in big sur I wanted to do was eat bread and butter.

for D http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eM8Ss28zjcE

Wow blogger has a new format that'll take some getting used to...

So I am down to 150 now...  it's weird because my highest weight was 260.  I am feeling pretty good at the weight I'm at, I'd just like to tone my stomach which means more ab exercises which will take all new education for me and hard work.  I also have loose skin from all the weight gain and weight loss which is another thing to combat.

But overall I'm very happy with my weight loss.

The first photo, I'm not sure the date but I think is from around 2003/2004...  I wish I could get a pic from me at 260...  I will try and find one and scan it in.   The second is me from this week.

frozen cherries - smoothie

I have been adding frozen cherries from cascadian farms to my smoothies and they are SO GOOD.  I don't eat chocolate because of the caffeine (and I guess sugar and fat too) but I think the cherries have some of the antioxidants that chocolate has because I get the same good feelings after eating them that I do from chocolate.  They are SO GOOD!  I almost feel guilty about how good they are, but why?  They are "health food" Right?

:)

More cherries, please!

I googled it, and cherries contain anthycyanins 1 and 2, healthy antioxidants not contained in blueberries (from the red color) - no wonder I like them so much!  Good to get that dark red in there!

yay!

:)

Here's what I put in my smoothie:

banana, frozen cherries, NF milk, whey protein powder, peanut butter, carob powder

the peanut butter and carob powder make it taste sweet and rich (as does the whey powder) so it's like drinking a healthy milkshake!

:)

Kale Soup

I made a "soup-er" delicious soup the other day and I just wanted to write down the recipe for it.  A suggestion was posted at New Leaf above the kale, and I just filled it out.

-Kale
-White beans
-Potatoes
-Turkey
-Low sodium chicken broth
-Parsley (from my garden!)
-garlic
-grated carrot
-mushrooms
-barley (what the new leaf recipe suggested) OR
-brown rice (what I used) and it turned out tasty

I think this was everything in it...  It tasted amazing...  the potatoes gave the broth a nice creamy taste and I always feel virtuous eating beans.  I think it was good for weight loss too because it had lots of healthy veggies in it, not too much salt, and the turkey helps with sleep.

:)

EDIT:

the 2nd time making this I am thinking this would be better with adding a caramelized white onion and some chopped celery.

Yoga by Equinox

I love this video... I think this yogini is amazing and I love the message...  there's always time for yoga, and it's always the right time for yoga. 

:)

They Fit!

Tried on some pants that didn't fit the last time I tried them on at the store and this time they did!  Yay!

:)

Do these count as exercise clothes because they will look cute for Salsa?  I am going for a walk by the ocean now to get some "outdoor time" and also some exercise and I think I am going to wear my new pants!  And maybe wear them tonight to dance too!!!  :)

SBTS

Woot!

I went to Salsa by the Sea today...  and sometimes I'm very frustrated because I feel like I spend a lot of time waiting to be asked to dance.  So I found a guide of how to be "welcoming" or something so people will ask you to dance...  or seem friendly or something

http://www.salsacrazy.com/guideforwomen.htm

so I tried some stuff from there and I felt like I did get to dance more... I don't know if that was actually true or just because I was standing around swaying and grinning like an idiot but at least I was getting some exercise from swaying and walking in circles saying hi to whatever guy I thought might want to dance with me.

And I think I was a little bit happier too from all that smiling, I think grinning a big fake grin turns on some kind of "happy hormones" in your brain, it makes you think you are happy.

So, I did dance, and even got to dance with a real latin hottie, tall and everything.  which was fun and then I was a little overwhelmed and had to leave.  ugh.

my power of "being welcoming and getting to dance a lot" became too much.  a good experiment though and one I shall try to continue.

so I left and went to the fitness store and bought a couple of 2 lb handweights, and a yoga strap.  I felt a little wild buying more sports equipment but i thought it's for a good cause (my fitness) and I have had a realization that my hamstrings are actually quite tight and would probably benefit from some stretching (with the strap).

Apparently if when you are lying on the ground with your leg elevated if you can't get your leg up to a 90deg angle straight up (ie it is closer to the ground) or if the angle is greater than 20 deg then it means you have tight hamstrings.  but i think i used to always cheat and just sort of change the angle of my hip so i could get my leg straight.

but i need to do some extra hammy stretches...

anyways happy 100th and i'm looking forward to a summer's worth of fun salsa by the sea's and I will continue to practice my "welcoming salsa moves" and hope to get asked to dance a LOT.

:)

textweight

www.textweight.com

website that will text you asking for your weight every day and graphs it on a website.

153

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uF7nZmNHZlQ

I was inspired to try a new abs workout, I bought a balance ball at Jerry's sports and I like the website "spark people" so I thought I would try their video from youtube.  I liked it!

I want to go and get my balance ball re-inflated and maybe even buy some light weights at Jerry's !!

Woo Hoo!  Sport equipment in the house!  (literally!)


Sorry I guess I'm just kinda jazzed after doing that abs workout.  Back when I was never doing abs workouts I used to hate them and feel awful afterwards but now that I am doing it more I actually kinda like it and feel good afterwards.

:)

I was so psyched to be down to 151 and feeling skinny but I think I'm basically moving in the right direction and I just have to KEEP TRYING!!!  That's what success is, I think.  Never, never never never give up.

:)

Today:  yoga class at 10, I want to get out for a walk (hopefully weather permitting) hang out with a friend, salsa by the sea is unlikely with this weather...

Weather report says sun in the morning (it's cloudy now though) with rain in the afternoon.  Maybe i'll just go for a quick walk now just in case it rains later and get to yoga by 10.

and this afternoon...  workout videos..

I want to make sure to rest though.

Maybe schedule a massage later this week and plan to rest after that :)

154

I feel pretty slim, and my collarbones are showing a lot, but the scale says 154.  It might be partly water weight from eating a burrito from taqueria santa cruz, there was a TON of salt on the chips (they were a mistake)

anyways, I don't think I will go there any more, they didn't even have the birria (which was why I went there instead of vallarta)  I think from now on vallarta it is.

anyways...  today I am going to drink a lot of water...  always a good idea. 

tai chi at 10am, although it's raining today so...  not sure that is happening.  I'm not feeling too inspired to go to the grocery store but I am out of food so...

I feel like there is some kind of mental block beyond 150 pounds.  Like I don't want to be lower than that.  I can't handle the attention.

152

Well I finally got my period yesterday and today I'm at 152...  I am back to my regular neurontin dose of 300 and sleep is back to normal.  I am doing a lot of things to pay attention to getting good sleep, which I am now remembering I used to do, and I guess I just kind of let those things slide for a while... and maybe that's why my sleep got worse.  So now I'm getting focused on them again.

For example: making sure the cat has water, food, and a clean litter box before i go to sleep.  this is so key, because otherwise he wakes me up in the middle of the night.  I got lazy about doing this for a while...

anyways so now I'm doing a bunch of stuff (also cleaning the house before bed, taking a bath before bed... etc)

and my weight is getting back to where it was.  I'm pretty happy to be at 152, I think it shows a good amount of loss.  I was at 162 when I started my journal, and to be at 152 now is pretty good.   I want to make sure I don't get so bloated next month before my period, so I want to keep paying attention to my sleep and drink a lot of water (I also started slacking on the water drinking, and I really noticed how much of a difference that makes)

I rented a book from the library "cinch" about weight loss, so I will let you know what I think of that one.

and I've been doing some exercise videos I really like: cardio burn sculpt by tanja djelevic - this is AMAZING.  i love this personal trainer, she works with jennifer garner and uma thurman.

i would like to start doing this video more often, and really tone my abs.  i think it could really benefit me.

i noticed that I got a massage on monday afternoon.  it was pretty deep, and the massage therapist recommended that I hold off on exercise for 24 hours.  however I wasn't able to, and ended up going to dance class that night, yoga tues morning, and a walk tues afternoon.

he suggested that exercising after a massage could end up actually damaging me and I have noticed some pain since then.

so, lesson learned and I will try to schedule massages in the future at better times.  I think it is best to get a lot of exercise in first, then a massage.

however...  I am not going to get too "psychological" about it, or "in my head"...  sometimes pain can just be generated from worrying about something, and I don't want to worry about it too much.

also, estrogen is low (which i have now) so I would be more sensitive to pain anyways.

sooo... lots of water... and enjoying life.  happy to be at 152 and just planning to focus on sleep.

:)

feelin groovy.

the top photo is my "after" photo from today, the bottom photo is from in january.  now I am weighing in at 154, then I weighed 159.  I don't really see a difference, but I shouldn't be discouraged.  A 5 pound weight loss is still something to be proud of, and it's better than going in the other direction!  and i'm right before my period so i'm at my heaviest and most bloated right now anyways.  in a few days i'll be a couple of pounds lighter hopefully. 

I just really hope that later, a year from now or something, I will have a flatter stomach.  it doesn't have to be flat I just want it to be smaller.  I just have to keep trying.   I have been losing weight, and it goes bit by bit.  it's not something that happens overnight so i just can't get discouraged.

Before and After photos

back down to 154 thank god!  i am close to getting my period so that should help too, i think i will be back to 151 soon, with luck.  it will help going back down on the neurontin and i think i am doing ok sleep-wise.  it is stormy and rainy today but i am planning on doing some workout videos at home.  i want to make sure i get enough protein today and i might go to the grocery store and buy some chicken breasts or salmon.  in the meantime i made a veggie soup which is so great on a day like today.  i am going to do some house cleaning which is also good. 

my protein powder should arrive in a couple of days and that will help too :)  i am feeling more optimistic and i can't even describe how good it feels to see the scale moving in the right direction again.  sigh.

i have been in a really good mood lately...  yoga is getting easier, i am getting better at some of my poses like bakasana and handstand, i'm learning how to do a supported headstand so i might be able to do a headstand without the wall soon.

i don't have mirrors in the studio so it's hard to tell if my warriors are getting better but i think the half moon is easier.

i definitely notice as i lose weight balancing poses are easier and i have more energy.  i just have to stay motivated. 

i was feeling sluggish and hungry while on the increased neurontin and ate an ice cream bar but i'm just glad i didn't give up and eat more than that, it was only 280 calories...  i remembered "keep trying" so it could have been worse.

monday march 12

cat woke me up at 5 new time (awful, even for me, but maybe I can dispense with the ambien

at bedtime...)

so far smoothie & pecan

Linda cancelled power for tt, what a drag

will do 45 min on my own as can't really make it to trish's power at 12:15 plus it will be jammed

sigh

I am at 156 now.  I have gained 5 pounds since my Doc increased my neurontin feb 29th.  I am considering decreasing it and trying to manage my sleep other ways but sleep is so important.  I hate having health issues, it seems so unfair.  I have to have good sleep to prevent mania and the neurontin helps with that.

preventing mania is soooo important but gaining 5 pounds in 11 days JUST because of a med increase!?  I just want to scream "ITS NOT FAIR"  I know everyone has stuff they have to deal with but sometimes it feels like the meds make your life worse not better.

and this is why there is so much non-compliance with psych meds.  and other meds too i guess.  right now i feel sedated, lazy, sleepy, hungry, with no energy plus i'm 5 pounds heavier.  and i don't have the satisfaction of having eaten lots of delicious food.

and being bipolar isn't like having cancer where you can talk to people about it and get lots of sympathy because no one understands about it, people give you terrible advice, haven't heard of it, and are totally misinformed.  and i don't want to be a crusader or an activist whose job it is to explain my illness to people...  and it so often feels like i am constantly explaining it anyways.  i have often wished i could just hand a pamphlet to people but whenever i talk about that people say it's a bad idea.

i am really upset, it doesn't seem fair, i don't want to take my medication, i liked losing weight, i liked staying up later, i liked being slimmer, the only thing i didn't like was waking up at 4 in the morning feeling anxious and not being able to fall back asleep.  that SUCKED. 

and now today is the time change.  which is also confusing and bad for bipolar.  we are so reliant on circadian rhythms time change is disruptive.

i'm going to yoga today, i'm going to hang out with mike, to rueda by the sea, and going to sleep early and take a little less neurontin tonight and before bed a bath and restorative yoga.  i'll see how i sleep on a little less neurontin and hopefully it'll be ok.  i want to wean myself off the extra and hopefully i can sleep ok.

it will be harder with the time change.

sunday march 11

Still 130! It's a miracle. Not sure I'll ever get to 127 (my goal), but just staying at 130 for

several weeks is so cool. I'd be happy here for several more weeks....

Yesterday (Sat):

yoga & walk w/milan & virginia (sang South Pacific with V, that was very fun)

pedicure (sapphire!)

weeded for hours, not joking, still nowhere near done. Sheez. And that's JUST the milk thistle..

not sure I will ever get to the fillary. Sigh.

smoothie

bread & pb

tuna salad, avocado lettuce tomato

popcorn

skinny cow ic cone

some cheese (not a lot) and nuts ditto

a carrot

a tangerine

should have had more fruit I think

Sunday

smoothie

one piece bread

pizza (600?)

salad with egg & lettuce only

baked apples with maple syrup (2 T?) and pecans

well I have been gaining weight.  It is so disheartening when I started march at 151 and I have been slowly gaining to 155 now.  at march 10th, 9 days later. 

I haven't been eating more, and i'm exercising a lot.  I think the problem is my sleep is worse.  I would not have imagined that sleep could affect your weight so much, and so fast. 

however, i think the hormone Cortisol definitely has a very strong effect on weight gain.  if you are stressed, you body will process calories differently.  so even if you eat less or exercise more than someone else, if you can't manage your stress, you are probably going to be fatter than the other person, and also have more fat around you stomach (that's where stress makes you store your fat)

sooo...  yesterday was a good low stress day.   family therapy, i had a good cry, a nice time with Mom gardening (thanks!) got a massage (still on my one month unlimited massage trial at nourish so far i've gotten 3 massages for $85...  not sure i'm going to keep doing it... i really need to pay off my credit card...  but i think it is definitely feels amazing.

anyways.  and then i took some extra neurontin last night and took my meds a little early.  i got in bed and fell asleep probably around 8, woke up once in the night (cat woke me up) but then fell asleep easily and slept till 6.

tonight I might lock the cat in his room...  and use earplugs.  i had to use earplugs today because he is so active at night.

BUT.   I turned the tide of weight gain.  which was a huge relief.  i have been gaining and gaining and at least today i woke up without gaining any weight.  thank god!!!  and i think all the stress relief yesterday, the crying, the massage, seeing my mom... made a big difference.

because i didnt' exercise a lot or eat any differently...  i think it was just the better sleep and calming day.

:)

and of course sleeping well was a big relief because I was also worried about the sleep disruption from a bipolar stand point because that can be very bad for my mood.  having disrupted sleep can push you into mania, so making sure i get enough sleep and get good solid sleep is apparently great for my bipolar (that is true for sure)

and also amazing for my weight loss.  so getting great sleep is something i want to make a commitment to for the rest of my life. 

man my cat is lying in my lap (i'm sitting cross legged with my laptop on my feet.  and my cat decided that now is the ideal time to sit in my lap.  he never ever wants to sit in my lap but NOW is the time he wants to.  when i am typing.  and he has his head lying on my right forarm so i am trying to type but it has this huge weight on it.  

he's just lucky that he's cute.

sometimes i'm amazed at how much i exercise.  it seems like i exercise all the time, sometimes.  like today:  I went for a bike ride along westcliff, did an exercise video, did a yoga class, and a dance class.  it seems like a lot. 

do thin people exercise more than that every day?

and here's what I ate:  2 eggs with olive oil, hot sauce, a whole wheat tortilla, and about 1/4 cup of navy beans. 

probably about 2 cups of 2%fat greek yogurt with about 1 tablespoon of agave syrup, a carton of raspberries, and about 15 almonds  (this was a big meal)

and an orange

maybe people who are thin really only eat a tiny bit.  I have seen slim people I know just eat tiny, tiny amounts...  I used to always assume that they only ate like that once in a while, or that they had just come from eating a big meal but now I am starting to realize that is just how thin people eat.  only tiny portions. 

as someone who used to always eat as much as I want, taking lots of pleasure from food and always knowing that if i felt depressed or anxious I could eat some food and when I did sit down to a meal just eat as much as I want, the idea of limiting my food is intruiging. 

i notice I have more energy with only eating small meals, which is sort of counterintuitive initally but if you think about it kind of makes sense.

I am at 152 now.  I am so close to my goal weight of 149...  I feel like I don't know what to do when I get there?  Just maintain for a while?  I'm not there yet so I guess I don't need to worry yet.  But maybe when I get there I will just try and maintain for about a month. 

I have read that you can lose about 10% of your body weight at a time and then you hit a plateau for a while...  but i think it is good to lose weight, as long as you are doing it slowly.  I have been losing about one pound a week on average.  that is what is recommended.

it's weird...  I grew up eating a lot of dessert food, like ice cream, and a lot of refined bread and pasta...  and now I have cut those foods out of my diet/repreretoire completely.  It's such a change from how I ate growing up.

But I feel like it's something I have to do to be at a healthy weight.

I feel like I need to eat a somewhat large amount to be satieted.  A small serving of, for example, refined pasta (white pasta) will definitely not satisfy me.

or a small cupcake.  even if it has a lot of calories, I know it won't fill me up and keep me full.  I have to take these things out of my diet because they just don't fill me up. 

I understand the words "junk food" now much better than I ever did.  I am noticing the effects of food on my body more than I used to, too. 

So, it's weird to think about not losing weight.  I want to just keep doing it.  Maybe instead of thinking of stopping losing weight...  I could think about what reward I want to give myself when I get to 149.  It should be a really good one, because that is my goal weight and I would have lost a LOT of weight to get there:  13 pounds.  and I think I was actually at 165 when I started... so maybe more like 16 pounds. 

anyways...  I don't want to build it up too much with expectations but it's nice to think about what i could do for myself when i get there so i'm not rewarding myself with food in the meantime.

ideas:

1) a small day trip somewhere... like a hike with a friend to garapata.
2) a trip to San Francisco to go to a museum like the science museum
3) a spa day with hot tub and massage (and facial?)
4) a cleaning lady to come over and clean the whole house & windows
5) buy a bunch of new plants for the yard
6) trip to visit Neola

I keep thinking of ideas relating to food... it's always interesting to remind myself "don't use food as a reward...  it's fascinating how often the mind jumps to food as a reward mechinism.

7) mani/pedi
8) shopping spree!
9) backpacking trip
10) re-paint the house (interior walls)

well my scale was set to 4 pounds below zero...  ha ha my little motivating factor in losing weight.  but today i guess it got nudged or something because it moved up to 3 below zero.  which is ok because i guess i wanted to move it back to regular zero at some point...  anyways so long story short i am back to 153.

i gained a pound and then the scale went up too, so total of 2 lbs.

it's better than moving it all up 4 pounds at once though.

I have been having trouble sleeping the last 2 nights but jennifer increased my neurontin and last night was better, thank god. 

it is hard to feel your healthiest when you can't sleep.

click the READ MORE link to continue reading

wed 2 29

130!!

one more pound to go, but then...look what i had for lunch. It was great,though

every day, smoothie, it's getting old typing this

1 hr 15 min power yoga

1 piece bread/pb

carnitas burrito (just meat & avocado) with Russ & Sean

orange

walk with janet around neighborhood

very large artichoke w/ 2T mayo