well back down to 152 :)

just need to stay focused.

Ok

I am having some issues this last month... maybe I haven't been as focused, I started a new volunteer job teaching Salsa to kids, I've been working more at Creekside...  for whatever reason (and now my Fridge broke!  unfair!)  but whatever reason, now I am up to 154.  blah.

so I have to really buckle down and focus on getting back to where I want to be.  ultimately 140 pounds, but really to not get intimidated one pound at a time, so starting at 149 for now (I was there really recently) so it shouldn't take too long, maybe only 1 week or so. 

(I was there less than a week ago...)

I haven't been writing on the blog as much lately, mostly because my mom stopped writing (she doesn't have to lose weight anyways) and Jil stopped writing...  and I don't seem to get any comments :(

but oh well.  i think it helps to write on the blog, and maybe I will post it to my facebook page (probably not promote it in a status, but at least post it in my "about" page...

people might look at it that way, if they are REALLY interested in me...  it sort of personal information on here but i guess if i'm willing to blog about it, i shouldn't really mind if facebook peeps read it, and maybe they would share inspirational stuff??  hopefully.

there's something nice about blogging and feeling anonymous...  but there's also something nice about feeling motivated!

haha.

gained 3 pounds in june!  started at 148, and ended at 151. argh!

My food journal from june

why is swimsuit season so scary?  from psychology today:

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/food-thought/201205/why-is-swimsuit-season-so-scary

May weight loss records (food, exercise, weights)

please note the link below that you can click to view the tables... they are quite extensive and a little hard to read in this format, I apologize for that

I am at 149. New goal is 140. Feeling good, feeling great. Watching my mental health too as it gets toward super summer weather with CROWDS of people around here, lots of traffic, bright sun, lots happening, social things, my birthday, wanting to dance all the time, crowds of people... just having to remember that i don't have to do everything and it's ok to "just say no" (i grew up with this from the 80's.) anyways it's ok to not do everything. so managing a balancing act between wanting to lose weight which means being outside all the time and exercising and dancing etc etc and managing my mental health which means taking time to rest and restore and calm down and have alone time and just chill out meditate hang out with my cat... the one thing that helps with both is to get enough (a LOT ) of sleep. i feel so much better the next day, can concentrate better and lose weight too. it's really worth it. :)

From "Shape" magazine: Myth: Losing Weight is Harder than Keeping it Off FACT: More than 90 percent of dieters regain the weight they lost (or more) once they “finish” their plan, Rampolla says. If you resume eating the foods you ate before losing weight, you will gain the weight back—and maybe a few extra pounds. Here’s why: After weight loss, your slimmer body requires fewer calories to function. Plus, if your weight-loss plan does not include enough protein, you might lose muscle mass, in addition to excess fat. Why that’s bad: Muscle burns more calories than fat does, so losing muscle will lower your metabolism. Every day, make a positive decision to stay on track with your new healthy lifestyle. Maintaining healthy eating habits is a lifelong commitment and takes persistence, Rampolla says.

Cynthia sass posted on Facebook that she read a study that people who stopped eating after 5PM were very successful at weight loss. I am thinking i might stop eating even earlier. it used to be 6:30 but i might try and cut it back to 5. which means eating even more earlier in the day. i think it's a good idea. maybe a small snack after 5, i'm not going to be militant, but last meal at 5. :)

At my heaviest:

And the 2nd is how I look now.

you would think that at least some of those children are mine but actually none of them are...  the one on the far left is my sister, the rest are either neighbors or cousins.

Food recommendations for PMS:


http://voices.yahoo.com/the-top-10-food-remedies-actually-reduce-pms-209776.html

motivation to meditate


http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=the-neurobiology-of-bliss-sacred-and-profane

Wednesday May 9 131

Let me not to the marriage of true mindsAdmit impediments.


Slowly making my way down to 129 again.  Really wanted a pastry from Kellys the other day, but told myself I’d have one when I was back under 130.  Ditto on icecream, etc.  Been eating one skinny cow ic cone a day…not sure if that is bad or good.

Still can’t run, but getting a lot of walking in.  The knee brace helps, and I need to get on the bike also.

I try to have one big helping of vegetables for dinner, sometimes popcorn also.  I'd like to build in a salad for lunch, but I am gone at lunch so often.  When I am home, then yes.

Today's plan:

protein smoothie

toast & pb

1hr 15 min yoga

errands

salad w/tunafish

work in yard if not too hot

bike for 10 min

walk with janet

vegetables

Found this on the web:

Here is what all celebrity food plans have in common:

1) They eat often - at least 5 mini meals per day

2) Every meal has protein.

3) They eat lots of vegetables.

4) They eat unprocessed, low glycemic carbohydrates like fruit, brown rice, and oatmeal.

4.5) They have free meals, and they are totally Zen about it.  When they eat chili fries, they eat chili fries.  But they don't feel like they "totally blew their diet".  They just go right back to it.

Eating fruit has been shown in scientific studies to be connected to a lower (ideal) body weight... with that in mind:

Saturday May 5

Success is almost totally dependent upon drive and persistence. The extra energy required to make another effort or try another approach is the secret of winning.

Sorry I have been gone. My knee is really bothering me and I can't walk much let alone jog. Since jogging is one of my main ways of keeping my weight in balance, I have been unwilling to get on the scales.

Nonetheless, I finally got on this AM, and weigh 131.5. Not too bad, but I have gained 2 lbs from not being able to work out adequately.

I have moved the exercycle back into the family room, and will start biking 20 minutes a day. this will help my knees I think.

Food plan today

protein smoothie

bread & pb

grapefruit

salmon & cheese omelet

vegetable stirfry

I am really sad and upset about firing Mike. It was the right thing to do, and I feel relieved

not to be listening to his mindless defensiveness, but he was my friend for almost 20 years.

I am just living with the sadness. I am also upset about Russ, but I think Mike is more important and I need to focus on that grief.

I have an empty day today. I was supposed to meet up with Martine later, but she had

to cancel. Yoga with Virginia, weeding with LGBC, and then weeding in my yard (and biking)

til dark.

Supermoon tonight. I wish I were watching it with Russ, but will watch it by myself. Sigh.

proof that i can do crow pose

Healthy vs unhealthy carbs

unhealthy carbs:
-white bagel
-croissant
-filling up on simple carbs (like candy) when you are hungry - instead of eating real food
-white bread like "wonder bread"
-things that say "enriched"
-desserts: ice cream, cookies, candy, anything with sugar in it is unhealthy carbs
-white baguette/french bread


Healthy carbs
-fruit
-oatmeal
-whole grain bread
-any whole grain cereal/cooked eg millet, barley, or quinoa
-a little bit of honey for flavoring
-vegetables
-whole grain tortillas
-popcorn (just don't add a ton of calories to it with oil or butter)  I like to add olive oil.

*You know you are eating unhealthy carbs if you can eat eat eat and never get full.  It's because they don't have any nutrients!  Whole grains contain protein and fiber so they fill you up, also they are slower to digest so they keep you fuller for longer.  They will help you feel better and be happier.

Down to 151.  I have been exercising so much all week.  It was national Dance week, and I tried so many new classes: Brazilian dance, Samba dance, belly dancing, zumba, nia, pilates.  I wish I could afford to take all those classes all the time.

It was great.

Back to 152...  I just want to get to 149 by May 1st so I can be where I was when I started this month!  It is time for bootcamp!  I am going into major exercise & health food mode.  Hard core!

I'll keep you posted on the results.

Woot!

It's national dance week so I'm planning on take a LOT of free dance classes for workouts (I went to a brazilian dance class last night that probably accounted for at least 1 of those pounds from yesterday being worked off...)

I might also drop back to .75 on the risperdal to help with the weight loss and now that stress seems to be backing down... as long as I can watch my sleep schedule and keep stress minimized.

Plan to drink a LOT of water.

It's time for BOOT CAMP.

well I increased my risperdal because I was concerned about my bipolar and felt like I needed some extra support from my medication.

and cue: the weight gain.

up from 152 to 154.  and I feel super sluggish, lazy, slow...  and totally craving carbs.  however, cravings lots of food and feeling sluggish is typical "during my period" behavior, gaining weight is NOT.  (usually I would be down to 149ish by now)

so THANKS medication for making me:

a) sluggish
b) retain water
 and
c) crave junk food

when are they going to invent psych meds that don't make you feel and look like a pig?  (no offense to those of the porcine persuasion)

anyways...  it's good to be feeling more "normal" mentally at least, and I know I can handle the weight if I just keep trying.  drink a LOT of water, eat a LOT of vegetables...  and minimize stress.

and exercise.

sunday april 22

"Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.
Sorry I have been so absent.  Cousins visiting from out of town so eating a lot more than usual, plus my knee gave out so couldn't run for at least 2 months.

The good news is I only gained 2 pounds, the bad news is that I am over 130 again.  :(
131.5
Sigh.
Back to normal--salad, vegetables, trying to watch the carbs (although I really savor that piece of Dave's killer bread and pb every day)

Power yoga, really hard.  Weeding with Martine.  Shopping for book club party.
Seeing Russ tomorrow, I hope I can be direct.  He says he can't trust me, not sure about what.  That
I won't embarrass him in public?  That's my goal, to get a nice clear answer.  The man is slippier than a
greased pig, so I'd say I have a 50/50 chance.

protein smoothie
bread & pb
grapefruit
gazpacho & salmon salad from TJ

I lost 3 ibs!

Just from eating vegetables and lots of water. I haven't really even been exercising!

this is my idea for a salad

salad idea

purple cabbage, chopped
black beans
cilantro
tomato, chopped
red onion
avocado, chopped
corn
chopped mango

dressing:
lime juice, honey, olive oil
(maybe use frozen mango? let it thaw in the fridge?)

***edit****

so I JUST made some of this.  I found an amazing ripe mango at New Leaf, and I added a scallion and some garlic.  I think it will be even better after it sits in the fridge for a bit to let the flavors blend, but I couldn't wait so i'm eating some now!

Maybe achieveing victory, asserting you will, and asserting yourself should be my new mantra.

http://www.okcupid.com/results/the-what-tarot-card-resembles-you-test/?var_truth=30&var_wellbeing=24&fromCGI=1&var_wisdom=34&var_change=32

Stressed

My friend noticed that was I feeling stressed. Guess that is more belly flat for me. I just feel so stuck at school and especially in this house. Ughhh. I can't even sleep right.

Motivational women

Motivational Weight Loss Quotes

• “People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.” ~Zig Ziglar

Movement is a medicine for creating change in a person's physical, emotional, and mental states. ~Carol Welch

so in reference to this post

http://weigh2gobd.blogspot.com/2012/03/frozen-cherries.html

where i shared my smoothie recipe

i was guessing that cherries have the same benefits as chocolate...  i googled it again and turns out chocolate, green tea, red wine... all have catechins...  and so do cherries!

:)

Ideas for party weight management/ holiday weight management

http://my.clevelandclinic.org/heart/prevention/nutrition/holidayeating12_01.aspx

I am just feeling really frustrated..how do I start getting rid of this belly flat

Mom's broccoli salad

raw broccoli broken into little florets (2 lb?)
white cheddar cheese (medium or sharp) (6 oz?) diced small
dried cranberries (1 cup?)
toasted pecans (1 cup?) chopped or broken
red onions (1/2 large??) chopped small
yogurt (1 c?) & frozen oj (1/4 c?) , and some mayo (1/4c?), for dressing

back to it

So I am 187 again. But at least I rode my bike to school this morning. I did pretty good today drank a lot of water. However I chowed down a whole french bread with olive oil. Bad move but a salad for dinner with 2 hardboiled eggs and half an avocado.

It is ridiculous that Kinder Surprise eggs are banned in the USA.  No wonder we are so fat here.  They are so fun and cute and rewarding and only 100 calories.  Instead I bought cadbury's eggs for myself and my mom and they are 180 calories instead and don't come with a fun toy.

it's ridiculous.

also...  I did my 10 minute ab workout this morning and I am FEELING IT!

I want to start doing 10 minutes of ab exercises every morning (the 10 min video by tanya djelevic)

Information about supplements/vitamins and weight loss:


http://www.thatsfit.com/2011/04/11/can-vitamins-help-you-lose-weight/

my weight loss idea now as it is getting into spring and summer and fresh produce is available is to eat more raw food!  yum!

http://www.rawfoodrecipes.com/

I have noticed that since I have been losing weight I have gotten more attention from creepy guys.  For example, invading my personal space or touching me when I don't want to be touched.  I assume it's a lot worse for young women (this wasn't really a problem for me when I was young, maybe because I was heavy or shy or had "stay away from me" body language or maybe it didn't bother me or something but now I definitely notice it and I don't like it.

I found an article about it

Personal space invasion

the rose that grew from concrete

Currently stuck on hold with the insurance company.  Can't wait to get some money back.

Have a bunch of health stuff I need to get done.

Still need to get more treatments on:

-plantar wart (just a tiny one)
-freckle check
-pap smear
-talk to plastic surgeon about loose skin from weight loss... am considering tummy tuck but do not really want to do something invasive that will have me "down for the count" and unable to exercise for a while... I'm afraid I will gain weight!!  But I do want to have better self esteem and feel good about myself.

I am really looking forward to having these bills dealt with though that will be a weight off my back :)

sunday april fools

Haven't weighed myself in over a week, since Jed & Carol came. I guess a week ago Saturday when I was 130.

Will weigh myself tomorrow.

Deirdre, way to go!! wow!! Talk about being on track...

My weight management has really suffered from bad knee...haven't been able to walk, let alone run. It seems to be slowly repairing itself, but I guess I have to bring the exercycle back out.

Sigh.

My March Food Diary

Click the "Read More" button to see it!!!!

notes: I want to eat more fruit...

What do I now?

After I get back from the backpacking trip in big sur I wanted to do was eat bread and butter.

for D http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eM8Ss28zjcE

Wow blogger has a new format that'll take some getting used to...

So I am down to 150 now...  it's weird because my highest weight was 260.  I am feeling pretty good at the weight I'm at, I'd just like to tone my stomach which means more ab exercises which will take all new education for me and hard work.  I also have loose skin from all the weight gain and weight loss which is another thing to combat.

But overall I'm very happy with my weight loss.

The first photo, I'm not sure the date but I think is from around 2003/2004...  I wish I could get a pic from me at 260...  I will try and find one and scan it in.   The second is me from this week.

frozen cherries - smoothie

I have been adding frozen cherries from cascadian farms to my smoothies and they are SO GOOD.  I don't eat chocolate because of the caffeine (and I guess sugar and fat too) but I think the cherries have some of the antioxidants that chocolate has because I get the same good feelings after eating them that I do from chocolate.  They are SO GOOD!  I almost feel guilty about how good they are, but why?  They are "health food" Right?

:)

More cherries, please!

I googled it, and cherries contain anthycyanins 1 and 2, healthy antioxidants not contained in blueberries (from the red color) - no wonder I like them so much!  Good to get that dark red in there!

yay!

:)

Here's what I put in my smoothie:

banana, frozen cherries, NF milk, whey protein powder, peanut butter, carob powder

the peanut butter and carob powder make it taste sweet and rich (as does the whey powder) so it's like drinking a healthy milkshake!

:)

Kale Soup

I made a "soup-er" delicious soup the other day and I just wanted to write down the recipe for it.  A suggestion was posted at New Leaf above the kale, and I just filled it out.

-Kale
-White beans
-Potatoes
-Turkey
-Low sodium chicken broth
-Parsley (from my garden!)
-garlic
-grated carrot
-mushrooms
-barley (what the new leaf recipe suggested) OR
-brown rice (what I used) and it turned out tasty

I think this was everything in it...  It tasted amazing...  the potatoes gave the broth a nice creamy taste and I always feel virtuous eating beans.  I think it was good for weight loss too because it had lots of healthy veggies in it, not too much salt, and the turkey helps with sleep.

:)

EDIT:

the 2nd time making this I am thinking this would be better with adding a caramelized white onion and some chopped celery.

Yoga by Equinox

I love this video... I think this yogini is amazing and I love the message...  there's always time for yoga, and it's always the right time for yoga. 

:)

They Fit!

Tried on some pants that didn't fit the last time I tried them on at the store and this time they did!  Yay!

:)

Do these count as exercise clothes because they will look cute for Salsa?  I am going for a walk by the ocean now to get some "outdoor time" and also some exercise and I think I am going to wear my new pants!  And maybe wear them tonight to dance too!!!  :)

SBTS

Woot!

I went to Salsa by the Sea today...  and sometimes I'm very frustrated because I feel like I spend a lot of time waiting to be asked to dance.  So I found a guide of how to be "welcoming" or something so people will ask you to dance...  or seem friendly or something

http://www.salsacrazy.com/guideforwomen.htm

so I tried some stuff from there and I felt like I did get to dance more... I don't know if that was actually true or just because I was standing around swaying and grinning like an idiot but at least I was getting some exercise from swaying and walking in circles saying hi to whatever guy I thought might want to dance with me.

And I think I was a little bit happier too from all that smiling, I think grinning a big fake grin turns on some kind of "happy hormones" in your brain, it makes you think you are happy.

So, I did dance, and even got to dance with a real latin hottie, tall and everything.  which was fun and then I was a little overwhelmed and had to leave.  ugh.

my power of "being welcoming and getting to dance a lot" became too much.  a good experiment though and one I shall try to continue.

so I left and went to the fitness store and bought a couple of 2 lb handweights, and a yoga strap.  I felt a little wild buying more sports equipment but i thought it's for a good cause (my fitness) and I have had a realization that my hamstrings are actually quite tight and would probably benefit from some stretching (with the strap).

Apparently if when you are lying on the ground with your leg elevated if you can't get your leg up to a 90deg angle straight up (ie it is closer to the ground) or if the angle is greater than 20 deg then it means you have tight hamstrings.  but i think i used to always cheat and just sort of change the angle of my hip so i could get my leg straight.

but i need to do some extra hammy stretches...

anyways happy 100th and i'm looking forward to a summer's worth of fun salsa by the sea's and I will continue to practice my "welcoming salsa moves" and hope to get asked to dance a LOT.

:)

textweight

www.textweight.com

website that will text you asking for your weight every day and graphs it on a website.

153

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uF7nZmNHZlQ

I was inspired to try a new abs workout, I bought a balance ball at Jerry's sports and I like the website "spark people" so I thought I would try their video from youtube.  I liked it!

I want to go and get my balance ball re-inflated and maybe even buy some light weights at Jerry's !!

Woo Hoo!  Sport equipment in the house!  (literally!)


Sorry I guess I'm just kinda jazzed after doing that abs workout.  Back when I was never doing abs workouts I used to hate them and feel awful afterwards but now that I am doing it more I actually kinda like it and feel good afterwards.

:)

I was so psyched to be down to 151 and feeling skinny but I think I'm basically moving in the right direction and I just have to KEEP TRYING!!!  That's what success is, I think.  Never, never never never give up.

:)

Today:  yoga class at 10, I want to get out for a walk (hopefully weather permitting) hang out with a friend, salsa by the sea is unlikely with this weather...

Weather report says sun in the morning (it's cloudy now though) with rain in the afternoon.  Maybe i'll just go for a quick walk now just in case it rains later and get to yoga by 10.

and this afternoon...  workout videos..

I want to make sure to rest though.

Maybe schedule a massage later this week and plan to rest after that :)

154

I feel pretty slim, and my collarbones are showing a lot, but the scale says 154.  It might be partly water weight from eating a burrito from taqueria santa cruz, there was a TON of salt on the chips (they were a mistake)

anyways, I don't think I will go there any more, they didn't even have the birria (which was why I went there instead of vallarta)  I think from now on vallarta it is.

anyways...  today I am going to drink a lot of water...  always a good idea. 

tai chi at 10am, although it's raining today so...  not sure that is happening.  I'm not feeling too inspired to go to the grocery store but I am out of food so...

I feel like there is some kind of mental block beyond 150 pounds.  Like I don't want to be lower than that.  I can't handle the attention.

152

Well I finally got my period yesterday and today I'm at 152...  I am back to my regular neurontin dose of 300 and sleep is back to normal.  I am doing a lot of things to pay attention to getting good sleep, which I am now remembering I used to do, and I guess I just kind of let those things slide for a while... and maybe that's why my sleep got worse.  So now I'm getting focused on them again.

For example: making sure the cat has water, food, and a clean litter box before i go to sleep.  this is so key, because otherwise he wakes me up in the middle of the night.  I got lazy about doing this for a while...

anyways so now I'm doing a bunch of stuff (also cleaning the house before bed, taking a bath before bed... etc)

and my weight is getting back to where it was.  I'm pretty happy to be at 152, I think it shows a good amount of loss.  I was at 162 when I started my journal, and to be at 152 now is pretty good.   I want to make sure I don't get so bloated next month before my period, so I want to keep paying attention to my sleep and drink a lot of water (I also started slacking on the water drinking, and I really noticed how much of a difference that makes)

I rented a book from the library "cinch" about weight loss, so I will let you know what I think of that one.

and I've been doing some exercise videos I really like: cardio burn sculpt by tanja djelevic - this is AMAZING.  i love this personal trainer, she works with jennifer garner and uma thurman.

i would like to start doing this video more often, and really tone my abs.  i think it could really benefit me.

i noticed that I got a massage on monday afternoon.  it was pretty deep, and the massage therapist recommended that I hold off on exercise for 24 hours.  however I wasn't able to, and ended up going to dance class that night, yoga tues morning, and a walk tues afternoon.

he suggested that exercising after a massage could end up actually damaging me and I have noticed some pain since then.

so, lesson learned and I will try to schedule massages in the future at better times.  I think it is best to get a lot of exercise in first, then a massage.

however...  I am not going to get too "psychological" about it, or "in my head"...  sometimes pain can just be generated from worrying about something, and I don't want to worry about it too much.

also, estrogen is low (which i have now) so I would be more sensitive to pain anyways.

sooo... lots of water... and enjoying life.  happy to be at 152 and just planning to focus on sleep.

:)

feelin groovy.

the top photo is my "after" photo from today, the bottom photo is from in january.  now I am weighing in at 154, then I weighed 159.  I don't really see a difference, but I shouldn't be discouraged.  A 5 pound weight loss is still something to be proud of, and it's better than going in the other direction!  and i'm right before my period so i'm at my heaviest and most bloated right now anyways.  in a few days i'll be a couple of pounds lighter hopefully. 

I just really hope that later, a year from now or something, I will have a flatter stomach.  it doesn't have to be flat I just want it to be smaller.  I just have to keep trying.   I have been losing weight, and it goes bit by bit.  it's not something that happens overnight so i just can't get discouraged.

Before and After photos

back down to 154 thank god!  i am close to getting my period so that should help too, i think i will be back to 151 soon, with luck.  it will help going back down on the neurontin and i think i am doing ok sleep-wise.  it is stormy and rainy today but i am planning on doing some workout videos at home.  i want to make sure i get enough protein today and i might go to the grocery store and buy some chicken breasts or salmon.  in the meantime i made a veggie soup which is so great on a day like today.  i am going to do some house cleaning which is also good. 

my protein powder should arrive in a couple of days and that will help too :)  i am feeling more optimistic and i can't even describe how good it feels to see the scale moving in the right direction again.  sigh.

i have been in a really good mood lately...  yoga is getting easier, i am getting better at some of my poses like bakasana and handstand, i'm learning how to do a supported headstand so i might be able to do a headstand without the wall soon.

i don't have mirrors in the studio so it's hard to tell if my warriors are getting better but i think the half moon is easier.

i definitely notice as i lose weight balancing poses are easier and i have more energy.  i just have to stay motivated. 

i was feeling sluggish and hungry while on the increased neurontin and ate an ice cream bar but i'm just glad i didn't give up and eat more than that, it was only 280 calories...  i remembered "keep trying" so it could have been worse.

monday march 12

cat woke me up at 5 new time (awful, even for me, but maybe I can dispense with the ambien

at bedtime...)

so far smoothie & pecan

Linda cancelled power for tt, what a drag

will do 45 min on my own as can't really make it to trish's power at 12:15 plus it will be jammed

sigh

I am at 156 now.  I have gained 5 pounds since my Doc increased my neurontin feb 29th.  I am considering decreasing it and trying to manage my sleep other ways but sleep is so important.  I hate having health issues, it seems so unfair.  I have to have good sleep to prevent mania and the neurontin helps with that.

preventing mania is soooo important but gaining 5 pounds in 11 days JUST because of a med increase!?  I just want to scream "ITS NOT FAIR"  I know everyone has stuff they have to deal with but sometimes it feels like the meds make your life worse not better.

and this is why there is so much non-compliance with psych meds.  and other meds too i guess.  right now i feel sedated, lazy, sleepy, hungry, with no energy plus i'm 5 pounds heavier.  and i don't have the satisfaction of having eaten lots of delicious food.

and being bipolar isn't like having cancer where you can talk to people about it and get lots of sympathy because no one understands about it, people give you terrible advice, haven't heard of it, and are totally misinformed.  and i don't want to be a crusader or an activist whose job it is to explain my illness to people...  and it so often feels like i am constantly explaining it anyways.  i have often wished i could just hand a pamphlet to people but whenever i talk about that people say it's a bad idea.

i am really upset, it doesn't seem fair, i don't want to take my medication, i liked losing weight, i liked staying up later, i liked being slimmer, the only thing i didn't like was waking up at 4 in the morning feeling anxious and not being able to fall back asleep.  that SUCKED. 

and now today is the time change.  which is also confusing and bad for bipolar.  we are so reliant on circadian rhythms time change is disruptive.

i'm going to yoga today, i'm going to hang out with mike, to rueda by the sea, and going to sleep early and take a little less neurontin tonight and before bed a bath and restorative yoga.  i'll see how i sleep on a little less neurontin and hopefully it'll be ok.  i want to wean myself off the extra and hopefully i can sleep ok.

it will be harder with the time change.

sunday march 11

Still 130! It's a miracle. Not sure I'll ever get to 127 (my goal), but just staying at 130 for

several weeks is so cool. I'd be happy here for several more weeks....

Yesterday (Sat):

yoga & walk w/milan & virginia (sang South Pacific with V, that was very fun)

pedicure (sapphire!)

weeded for hours, not joking, still nowhere near done. Sheez. And that's JUST the milk thistle..

not sure I will ever get to the fillary. Sigh.

smoothie

bread & pb

tuna salad, avocado lettuce tomato

popcorn

skinny cow ic cone

some cheese (not a lot) and nuts ditto

a carrot

a tangerine

should have had more fruit I think

Sunday

smoothie

one piece bread

pizza (600?)

salad with egg & lettuce only

baked apples with maple syrup (2 T?) and pecans

well I have been gaining weight.  It is so disheartening when I started march at 151 and I have been slowly gaining to 155 now.  at march 10th, 9 days later. 

I haven't been eating more, and i'm exercising a lot.  I think the problem is my sleep is worse.  I would not have imagined that sleep could affect your weight so much, and so fast. 

however, i think the hormone Cortisol definitely has a very strong effect on weight gain.  if you are stressed, you body will process calories differently.  so even if you eat less or exercise more than someone else, if you can't manage your stress, you are probably going to be fatter than the other person, and also have more fat around you stomach (that's where stress makes you store your fat)

sooo...  yesterday was a good low stress day.   family therapy, i had a good cry, a nice time with Mom gardening (thanks!) got a massage (still on my one month unlimited massage trial at nourish so far i've gotten 3 massages for $85...  not sure i'm going to keep doing it... i really need to pay off my credit card...  but i think it is definitely feels amazing.

anyways.  and then i took some extra neurontin last night and took my meds a little early.  i got in bed and fell asleep probably around 8, woke up once in the night (cat woke me up) but then fell asleep easily and slept till 6.

tonight I might lock the cat in his room...  and use earplugs.  i had to use earplugs today because he is so active at night.

BUT.   I turned the tide of weight gain.  which was a huge relief.  i have been gaining and gaining and at least today i woke up without gaining any weight.  thank god!!!  and i think all the stress relief yesterday, the crying, the massage, seeing my mom... made a big difference.

because i didnt' exercise a lot or eat any differently...  i think it was just the better sleep and calming day.

:)

and of course sleeping well was a big relief because I was also worried about the sleep disruption from a bipolar stand point because that can be very bad for my mood.  having disrupted sleep can push you into mania, so making sure i get enough sleep and get good solid sleep is apparently great for my bipolar (that is true for sure)

and also amazing for my weight loss.  so getting great sleep is something i want to make a commitment to for the rest of my life. 

man my cat is lying in my lap (i'm sitting cross legged with my laptop on my feet.  and my cat decided that now is the ideal time to sit in my lap.  he never ever wants to sit in my lap but NOW is the time he wants to.  when i am typing.  and he has his head lying on my right forarm so i am trying to type but it has this huge weight on it.  

he's just lucky that he's cute.

sometimes i'm amazed at how much i exercise.  it seems like i exercise all the time, sometimes.  like today:  I went for a bike ride along westcliff, did an exercise video, did a yoga class, and a dance class.  it seems like a lot. 

do thin people exercise more than that every day?

and here's what I ate:  2 eggs with olive oil, hot sauce, a whole wheat tortilla, and about 1/4 cup of navy beans. 

probably about 2 cups of 2%fat greek yogurt with about 1 tablespoon of agave syrup, a carton of raspberries, and about 15 almonds  (this was a big meal)

and an orange

maybe people who are thin really only eat a tiny bit.  I have seen slim people I know just eat tiny, tiny amounts...  I used to always assume that they only ate like that once in a while, or that they had just come from eating a big meal but now I am starting to realize that is just how thin people eat.  only tiny portions. 

as someone who used to always eat as much as I want, taking lots of pleasure from food and always knowing that if i felt depressed or anxious I could eat some food and when I did sit down to a meal just eat as much as I want, the idea of limiting my food is intruiging. 

i notice I have more energy with only eating small meals, which is sort of counterintuitive initally but if you think about it kind of makes sense.

I am at 152 now.  I am so close to my goal weight of 149...  I feel like I don't know what to do when I get there?  Just maintain for a while?  I'm not there yet so I guess I don't need to worry yet.  But maybe when I get there I will just try and maintain for about a month. 

I have read that you can lose about 10% of your body weight at a time and then you hit a plateau for a while...  but i think it is good to lose weight, as long as you are doing it slowly.  I have been losing about one pound a week on average.  that is what is recommended.

it's weird...  I grew up eating a lot of dessert food, like ice cream, and a lot of refined bread and pasta...  and now I have cut those foods out of my diet/repreretoire completely.  It's such a change from how I ate growing up.

But I feel like it's something I have to do to be at a healthy weight.

I feel like I need to eat a somewhat large amount to be satieted.  A small serving of, for example, refined pasta (white pasta) will definitely not satisfy me.

or a small cupcake.  even if it has a lot of calories, I know it won't fill me up and keep me full.  I have to take these things out of my diet because they just don't fill me up. 

I understand the words "junk food" now much better than I ever did.  I am noticing the effects of food on my body more than I used to, too. 

So, it's weird to think about not losing weight.  I want to just keep doing it.  Maybe instead of thinking of stopping losing weight...  I could think about what reward I want to give myself when I get to 149.  It should be a really good one, because that is my goal weight and I would have lost a LOT of weight to get there:  13 pounds.  and I think I was actually at 165 when I started... so maybe more like 16 pounds. 

anyways...  I don't want to build it up too much with expectations but it's nice to think about what i could do for myself when i get there so i'm not rewarding myself with food in the meantime.

ideas:

1) a small day trip somewhere... like a hike with a friend to garapata.
2) a trip to San Francisco to go to a museum like the science museum
3) a spa day with hot tub and massage (and facial?)
4) a cleaning lady to come over and clean the whole house & windows
5) buy a bunch of new plants for the yard
6) trip to visit Neola

I keep thinking of ideas relating to food... it's always interesting to remind myself "don't use food as a reward...  it's fascinating how often the mind jumps to food as a reward mechinism.

7) mani/pedi
8) shopping spree!
9) backpacking trip
10) re-paint the house (interior walls)

well my scale was set to 4 pounds below zero...  ha ha my little motivating factor in losing weight.  but today i guess it got nudged or something because it moved up to 3 below zero.  which is ok because i guess i wanted to move it back to regular zero at some point...  anyways so long story short i am back to 153.

i gained a pound and then the scale went up too, so total of 2 lbs.

it's better than moving it all up 4 pounds at once though.

I have been having trouble sleeping the last 2 nights but jennifer increased my neurontin and last night was better, thank god. 

it is hard to feel your healthiest when you can't sleep.

click the READ MORE link to continue reading

wed 2 29

130!!

one more pound to go, but then...look what i had for lunch. It was great,though

every day, smoothie, it's getting old typing this

1 hr 15 min power yoga

1 piece bread/pb

carnitas burrito (just meat & avocado) with Russ & Sean

orange

walk with janet around neighborhood

very large artichoke w/ 2T mayo

February Weight loss Journal

151!!!!!

tuesday feb 28

“The mind can forget what the body, defined by each breath, subject to the heart beating, does not.”

smoothie, pecan sandie

yoga w/ milan

run from pp to cp w/janet

piece bread w/pb

one chocolate (god, are those christmas chocs ever going to run out)

drive to creekside w/shelly

salad w/tuna fish, avocado,lettuce (from my garden!), tomato

orange from my tree!!

I think the last pound is probably the hardest because then you go into "maintain mode" and it's easy to say, ok I made it here, now I'm done...  but you really have to just keep working just as hard as you have been all along...  just to stay where you are.

That's why they say it's a lifestyle change, not a diet.  If you look at it as just a diet then the weight will come right back. 

Sadly.

Which means my days of eating pints of ice cream are probably gone for good.  And now my days of exercising frequently, possibly multiple times a day...  might be something I have to do long term.  Eating less, exercising more.  Sometimes it seems like I have to work harder than other people, but when I look at slim people, I actually see them exercising a lot.  And they don't really eat that much either. 

I think the whole "metabolism" thing is kind of a myth too (that slim people have a better metabolism than heavy people)

I read that your metabolism is actually how many calories you burn just by existing.  And heavy people actually burn more calories just by existing because they have more mass so they need more calories just to maintain the mass they have.

However definitely exercise and eating well do "get your body going" and working better and I think help you to process food better and get everything functioning better.

I am at 154 as of this morning but I didn't sleep very well last night, not sure why...  So I took a nap today and have just been resting today mostly...  I'm not going to stress about it. 

But I hope I can still be at 154 tomorrow, it would be really nice to close out the month with a 3 lb weight loss.  Still, with not much sleep and kind of a lazy day today I'm not going to count on it... but we'll see.

I'll post my exercise/food/weight tables on the 1st.

Monday feb 27 2012 130!

Wow...finally down to 130, one pound to go....the last one is always the hardest I think

"Hope is like a road in the country; there was never a road,but when many people walk on it, the road comes into existence." - Lin Yutang

Great hike yesterday at Mt Diablo with Russ. Sheez. He had a beer, I had water, it was fine.

smoothie, pecan sandie

hour of power

oatmeal

leftover vegetables

run around neighborhood with janet

orange from my tree (surprisingly tasty)

salad -- lettuce, tomato, cottage cheese, avocado

I am making money in property renovation, it's exciting

I feel like I keep hovering around the 155 marker, I am losing weight sooooo slowly.  But at least I'm losing it. 

Some before & after pics

This is me now (above)

And this is me back in Dec of 2011 (below)

sat feb 25

130.5!

smoothie (and of course pecan smoothie)

jog w/ milan

35 min yoga

1 piece of bread w/pb & honey

4 mile (?) walk with laura, hiroku & terry, lots of uphill

dried fruit

salad

lentil soup

talk to betsy

vegetables w/ a little sausage

feeling anxious about walk with russ, why is is SO HARD for me to be direct

I went for a nice walk today with Mike H.  It was pretty short, just a little ways into De Laveaga.  I went out for lunch with him at India Joze and ordered the Dragon Chicken which was really good, and came with bamboo shoots and rice, and I also got a side salad.  It was a big lunch.  I have been pretty hungry lately, maybe adding in the gardening I have been doing every day has been making me hungrier. 

Also I am walking further I think, and doing the yoga too.  It is hard to know how much is the right amount to eat.  I don't like being hungry but I think my rule of not eating after 6:30 is a good one.

I don't like going out to eat, in general, but I tried to order food I thought would be healthy.  I probably shouldn't have eaten the rice...  I would have substituted for black rice but I didn't have the extra money.  I wish I had asked for an extra dollar from Mike because he ended up eating some of my food anyways.  Then we could have shared all of it.

I ate a bunch of oatmeal for breakfast so I didn't really need the rice.

I couldn't go to dance class tonight because I guess Chris and Jessica were tired after the Rueda Festival and plus the louden nelson center is closed.

i thought about going to the 418 project but am just feeling tired tonight.

I am going to go to sleep early.

I weighed 155 and a half this morning...  I am still losing weight, but slooowly.  I guess I get frustrated wishing it would go faster but that doesn't help, it makes it worse to push myself like that.  It's better to just try and relax and be healthy.

I got my period yesterday.  I am thinking..  what are good foods to eat when you are on your period?

you want to make sure you have enough iron.  which means eating lean protein sources.  such as chicken.
you can also eat leafy greens (always good) but if you choose vegetable iron sources you should combine them with vitamin C to increase absorption.

you should also probably keep your salt intake down...  I ate some salty popcorn before going to sleep last night which was a mistake.

anyways...  reduce salt intake.  increase iron.

make sure you have enough calcium, so eat some yogurt (however greek yogurt doesn't have very much calcium so make sure you have some skim milk too)

nuts and seeds and pineapple to get enough manganese

Lentils: provide fiber, protein, satieting

oatmeal: B vitamins boost serotonin help with mood

Bananas: potassium helps with cramps and bloating

Yogurt: I think that yogurt helps everything.  I want to eat some every day.

soybeans can help with hormone balance.

the brain uses 20% of the calories we take in.  another important reason to eat a lot of small meals to maintain even glucose levels and to maintain a steady mood.

tuesday feb 14

“I had to get over [him]. For months now, a stone had been sitting on my heart. I'd shed a lot of tears over [him], lost a lot of sleep, eaten a lot of cake batter. Somehow, I had to move on. [Life] would be hell if I didn't shake loose from the grip he had on my heart. I most definitely didn't want to keep feeling this way, alone in a love affair meant for two. Even if he'd felt like The One. Even if I'd always thought we'd end up together. Even if he still had a choke chain on my heart.”

“But that afternoon he asked himself, with his infinite capacity for illusion, if such pitiless indifference might not be a subterfuge for hiding the torments of love.”

131 yesterday..several days now, would like to stay there for another week

only 2 more lbs!!

taking tranks cuz of Vday, started Sunday, 1 S, 2 Monday, none so far today

45 min yoga w/milan

making french onion soup

pecan sandie, smoothie, 1 piece bread w/pb

run 4 miles creek trail w/ janet

downtown w/ martine 1.5 mile walk (from postalmate to library and back)

gelato, long walk

sigh

good foods to fight depression

-oily fish eg wild salmon and tuna
-keep even blood sugar (eat lots of small meals and get enough protein) the brain depends on an even supply of glucose
- get enough chromium - such as romaine lettuce, onion and tomatoes (so make a salad with red onions, tomatoes and romaine... yum)
-get enough vitamin B: snack on nuts and bananas (yum)
-eat the rainbow! get all your fruits and veggies in all the colors and lots of them

154 this morning!  what a great valentines day surprise! 

:)

maybe being single is not so bad.

every time I think about giving up I just keep trying and it pays off.  the secret isn't never making mistakes, the secret is to keep trying even if you do make a mistake. 

back down to 156 today.  just flushing the salt from my system i think.  trying to drink a lot of water, especially with PMS happening.  it sucks because the combination of valentines day, PMS and being single were making me have major chocolate cravings yesterday.  however, I did a google search for good foods to eat when you are having PMS. 

advice was to eat consistently.

ok this isn't reallly weight loss relevant but it's a cool video of david beckam in his underwear.



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eQb_-OY7Z0E

well even if you are sad at least you are losing weight.  I have been feeling stressed and sad too but I have gained some weight.  I am at 157 now. 

I was so happy to be down to 155 before I just hope I can get back there soon.  I want to have other methods and a good routine to deal with stress and sadness but it's difficult to change bad habits.

sat feb 11

131 !!

I am very sad because of valentines day

smoothie

1.5 hours power yoga

1/2 pb & honey sandwich

walk around neighborhood (3 miles?) with terry

3 scrambled eggs

fri feb 10

smoothie

run around neighborhood with janet

no yoga cuz of deirdre's hearing

sigh

raspberries

jambalaya soup w/ cc

1/2 grapefruit

short walk w/ deirdre

salad with tunafish and avocado

junk food total

2 pecan sandie one chocolate

wed feb 8

Everything that I've ever been able to accomplish in skating and in life has come out of adversity and perseverance.
Scott Hamilton

131.5

pecan sandie

smoothie

1hr 15 min hatha yoga

pb sandwich (2T pb, 2 slices bread)

run janet 4 miles

2 tangerines

chocolate

feeling awful about pc meeting last night, hope I make it through today

feel bad about russ

So I am weighing in at 156.  I don't have to wiggle on the scale to get there, which is good.  I thought about going to a Salsa party last night but decided not to go because there would be an open bar and it just wasn't really my thing.  So I went to an "intermediate" yoga class from 5:30 to 7.  It was definitely beyond what I normally do, especially because I had already taken a yoga class in the morning and gone for a long walk during the day. 

tuesday feb 7

"Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts." Winston Churchill

smoothie, cookie, chocolate

yoga w/v & m

run 4 miles janet

1 piece bread w/pb

1 bowl popcorn with 1 TB butter

1 tangerine

I large bowl broccoli, mushroom, sausage, pepper

1 pecan sandie

1 slice mozzarella/prosciutto

monday feb 6 2012

"Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another." Walter Elliott

cookie, smoothie, chocolate

short stack lumberjack pancakes at stacks w/butter & maple syrup (700 cal?)

mozz/ham piece (180)

grapefruit

sausage/broccoli/pepper/mushroom stirfry

1 hour power yoga

walk with janet 4 miles on creek (too tired to run)

This is a cute photo Lance took of me at his birthday party.  All I can think is "shoulder back!" like they always tell us in Yoga, but I still think it's a cute photo.  I think my face and collar bone area do look slimmer but it might just be a flattering photo.  I wish my face could be a lot slimmer than it is though.  It was a fun party and I absolutely love this blue dress.  I wore it on a date on Saturday which was a lot of fun.  This dress is a lot of fun.  I bought it through a Groupon.

well back down to 156!!!  at least the scale is moving in the right direction again!!  I think a big part of the problem was I was just swollen with salt.  my new plan of not eating burritos after noon is a good one I think.  and also cutting back on the salt.  I was thinking about it and during that time I ate: canned soup, packaged kale salad from new leaf with a lot of salt on it, and the burrito.  buying already cooked food is way easier but it's just so easy to gain weight eating food that is pre-cooked.  I'm so happy to be back down to 156, and I am going to keep eating salads and try to get back to 155 soon.  I am going to drink a ton of water too which should help.  I'm drinking some as I write this!

http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/2sGhhp/www.health.com/health/condition-article/0,,20274378,00.html/

above is a cool link about bipolar and pregnancy... hopefully you will be able to see it even though it is through stumbleupon... let me know??

I am doing pretty badly weight-loss wise.  I gained 2 pounds!!! back up to 157 and I don't even know what i'm doing wrong...  i guess it's because I ate a goat burrito the night before last and maybe it was really salty so i'm retaining water or something.  or maybe i am more stressed so i am holding a lot of cortisol which is making me hold onto weight. 

I ate some yogurt with breakfast today and that felt really cleansing, and good.  i always feel better after eating yogurt.

I read this weird article when i was doing some weight loss research that said that obesity can actually be "catching" or something, like a cold.  it's based on mice, who actually eat each others poop, so it's probably not as aplicable to humans, but it's based on the idea that obese people have unhealthy gut flora (bacteria) and it can be spread...  I guess if they put an obese mouse in a cage with skinny mice they catch the bad bacteria.  

sooo....  i'm eating yogurt!!  build up my probiotics and healthy bacteria.  build up my health. 

and definitely eating some salads and veggies today..  lots of high fiber foods.  i read that skinny people eat more foods that have lots of volume compared to their calorie load.  ie fruits or veggies.  lots of water in them.

:)

here's to going down on the scale tomorrow!!!

sunday feb 5 2012

"Absence sharpens love, presence strengthens it." Ben Franklin

pecan smoothie

smoothie

1 hour power yoga

chocolate

drive to lowes to look at stone facade

salad (tuna, avocado, lettuce, tomato)

crackers (few)

walk w/ D

crackers & cheese

1 spring roll

bowl Pho (didn't eat much noodles)

I am up to 156 today.  I jogged intervals yesterday and went for a looong hike in de laveaga so it was really frustrating to gain a pound.  It is because I didn't eat right earlier in the day and then by nighttime I was super hungry so I ate a whole goat burrito with avocado right before I went to bed.  It was too much so I am digesting a big burrito and it had a lot of calories and I think I have a lot of tension too.  I need to deal with all the things that are stressing me out and that will really help.  Get help somehow.

sat feb 4

He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not, but rejoices for those which he has. ~Epictetus

132

pecan sandie

smoothie

45 min yoga w/ v&m

chocolate

sweep downtown los gatos

oatmeal (no cream)

NVC potluck (bring green salad). Green salad, fruit, small piece cheese, few crackers, small

amount rice/chickpea salad, small choc chip cookie (aagghh)

2 bowls butternut squash soup

1 pecan sandie

fri feb 3 B

132

pecan sandie

smoothie

1 hr 15 min power yoga

chocolate (still working on debbie's box, haven't gotten to Minas yet)

2 hours feng shui with kelli

run w janet gh to pp

large bowl butternut soup with sausage and cc

work on creek with martine

grapefruit

popcorn (1.5T butter)

friday feb 3 A

Sorry ladies it's been so long.

Deirdre, loved your how to weigh 155 lbs post, but for me I would like to know where you started from (ie, it took you 3 months and you started at what weight?)

132 again

THursday I had

smoothie

45 min yoga w/ virginia

pb sandwich

walk about 4 miles with Roger, not much elevation change, at Arastradero

run with Janet Garden Hill to Perk Ponds (4 miles?)

grapefruit

out to eat with Mike

2 small pieces bread w/ olive oil

green salad with shrimp and calamari

rolled eggplant with mozzarella and tomato sauce (appetizer portion)

2 large glasses wine

How to weigh 155 pounds

this is from my 43things account:

"Awesome! I am so proud!"

How I did it: I cut out refined carbs.  No desserts or white bread.  I went out to dinner last night with my mom and said "No" to bread before dinner and "no" to the little cookie they gave me.  However, if I have little slip ups or mistakes, I just get right back on the horse and keep trying. 
I think what made the biggest difference for me was I started keeping a food journal.  I weighed myself every single day and kept track of it in a spreadsheet in excel.  I also recorded the food I ate and how much I exercised.  Therefor I was accountable to myself and if I ate something and gained weight I knew why it happened and I couldn't say "oh it's just my genetics" or blame it on something vague, I knew it was because of my choices. 

Untitled

I was feeling kind of depressed after salsa class today. I wanted to get a burrito to make myself feel better and eat it but instead I bought some sushi and a seaweed salad. I read that the iodine in the seaweed salad helps to balance your thyroid.
I guess I will get a burrito soon but eat it earlier in the day. I think what I ate was probably lighter than a burrito and with more nutrients and better to eat right before bed (even though I would like to get in the habit of eating earlier or somehow changing my schedule, it’s just hard having the 7-8pm salsa class.

Totally inspiring AMAZING yoga video.  Check it out!!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=loszrEZvS_k

Today is the first day of February.  I've been working hard to lose weight and I've lost 5 pounds during January.  I want to keep up the momentum and lose another 5 or so in February.  Ideally I'd like to get down to 149 on my home scale (that's my first goal) just to be in the "normal" category for my BMI.  And then, ideally, I would like to be in the "normal" category at the doctor's office. 

January weight loss weight counts, food eaten, weight measure, exercise done... weight records.

well back to 157 this AM but still super good progress.  I've lost 5 pounds in January.  If I can keep up this rate of change I could lose 20 pounds by my birthday...  maybe be at 137!!!  I guess it gets harder the more you lose but maybe not...  I don't know.  I would just like to be in the "normal BMI" range.  My first goal is to be there on my scale at home... I guess fudging the numbers a little bit and then 2nd goal would be "normal BMI range" at the doctor's office.  That would really be ideal.  I am at 157 now on my home scale so to be a "normal BMI" on my home scale I would need to lose 8 more pounds.  If I could lose 5 pounds in February...  that would be great.  Then I could be down to 152.  I just need to be strong and not give into temptation around Valentines chocolate.  There is a lot of it in the CVS pharmacy.  Maybe I will just avoid that isle when I am walking to the back of the store.  I will just take the cards isle instead or the makeup isle.